A couple weeks ago, we talked about what Jesus described as the greatest commandment - “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” (Matthew 22:37, 39 NIV).”
These words from Jesus himself are so helpful for us as parents, especially when paired with his words from John, Chapter 14: “If you love me, you will keep my commandments.”
Even with very young children, we can start to teach about obedience and its connection to love. If you haven’t read this post, you can check it out here. I recommend reading it before finishing this one.
God loved us first, and we can show our love for him by joyfully serving when the opportunity arises, willingly sacrificing when asked, and choosing to glorify Him rather than gratify ourselves. This is a state of the heart that we can’t create in our children, but, in addition to praying for it, there are some things we can do to cultivate it.
One vital thing to remember is that discipleship comes before discipline. Even when teaching your child about obedience, it’s so important to focus on developing your child’s heart rather than just suppressing waywardness for the sake of our own convenience.
With a discipleship-based approach to teaching about obedience we can help a child develop a desire to do what is right because of his love for and gratitude toward God. One great benefit of this approach is that it is always pointing children toward the cross.
See, a parenting approach that focuses on controlling behavior could foster a sense of antagonism between parent and child. The child may perceive that his parents want him to do one thing, but he wants to do another. This “me vs. them” point of view may become a normal state in his mind and create an expectation that he needs to fight for his way while his parents fight for theirs.
Such an antagonistic situation is not conducive to a peaceful home!
Another possible result of a behavior-focused parenting approach could be a perception that love and approval are earned through works. A child may come to think that, if he tries harder to do what Mom and Dad want, he’ll be more loved and accepted.
However, a parenting approach that disciples - that emphasizes the state of the heart behind the behavior and focuses on a love for God and his word - can help children understand more and more that they (like all of us) are in great need of a Savior. Each time they fall short, we can revisit the truths from Scripture that guide us - the truths that tell us that, though we have no hope of attaining goodness ourselves and no hope of attaining God’s forgiveness outside of Christ, God still loves and chooses us!
Each failure is an opportunity to give glory to God for his grace and love toward us and to ask him to renew our hearts and equip us to serve him. It’s also an opportunity to communicate, again, that you love your child unconditionally. There is nothing she can do to lose that love.
Now, what are some good practices for establishing a pattern of obedience in your home?
Communicate Directly, Face-to-face
Require your child to give you her attention when you speak to her. When you’re giving instructions, get down on her level, speak directly to her. I know this is actually really hard! We are often doing more than one thing at once, accomplishing a task or two while also giving direction to our children. But taking the time to stop and focus on communicating directly with your child is worth the effort! It can go such a long way toward fostering an obedient spirit.
Require Eye Contact
Eye contact is an excellent way to measure a child’s focus and attention. With older children, it can also prevent those proverbial “I didn’t hear you” claims. The combination of direct communication and eye contact works wonders!
Be Intentional With Your Tone
We’ve all probably been told by our parents at one time or another, “Watch your tone!” This is good advice for parents, too. Listen to the sound of your voice as you speak to your children. Does it carry love and respect for them? Does it communicate that you are happy to be with them and that you are “on the same team?” Or does your direction sound more like an order from a cold authority? Listen, we definitely won’t get this perfect all of the time, but it’s worth giving some consideration to. It really is possible to be both firm and warm. With the tone of your voice, you can go a long way toward fostering the sense of love and respect you want to receive back.
Require a Verbal Response
Once your child can speak, require her to give a verbal response after you give her instructions. The verbal response can be, “Yes, Mommy/Daddy” or “Yes Ma’am/Sir” or whatever you find to be appropriate. A verbal response serves as an acknowledgement that your child has heard and received the instruction and that she is ready to comply.
Don’t Be OK with Delay
If your child is struggling with obedience, remember, that it doesn’t get any easier after hearing instructions for the second or third time or after you count to two-and-a-half. In fact, allowing your child to resist you temporarily and then eventually give in only reinforces an attitude of the heart that prevents true obedience. Help your child learn that true obedience is cheerful, willing, first-time obedience.
Model Cheerful Obedience
Although children may not realize it, obedience is important for parents, too! You can count on your children to learn from you if they hear whining or complaining when you are faced with doing something difficult. We all have challenges in our days. But whether we’re doing our least favorite task, obeying God’s call to kindness and gentleness while dealing with a difficult person, handling a stressful interruption, or exercising patience during an annoying delay, we can bless our children by doing it with Holy-Spirit-provided peace and gentleness.
With your own behavior as well as what you teach and the standard you set, you can consistently reinforce the concept that we serve a good and great God and that we can live in a way that shows our love for him and reflects his glory to others.
Xo,
Christie
PS - Are you interested in exploring discipleship-based parenting further? Check out Savvy's Go Parenting Curriculum!
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